I’m hesitant to name examples right now due to the physical safety of many women I care about, but I’m really bummed out about the continued support that bands get even after one of their members is exposed for being a rapist or an abuser. I was just reading a music blog that features a certain band from New Orleans that literally attacked my girlfriend’s entire band for no apparent reason other than the fact that they were gay women. It wasn’t an ordinary beating – it was super coke-fueld and one of the band members pulled a gun while his girlfriend/wife repeatedly stabbed my friend in the head with a high-heeled shoe. I keep hearing that the band “is sober now” or whatever, like that makes their past woman-beating okay. It brings up a lot of interesting feelings on rehabilitation, what that means and how it relates to abuse – when is someone truly rehabilitated, and can I (as an individual) ever support their art again?
There have been two recent publicized cases of band guys sexually assaulting women. One of these cases was on Brooklyn Vegan a few months ago so I feel like it’s okay to link it – the main reason I’m linking this is because it sparked a lot of really good conversation amongst people for a while (though, of course, there are the ubiquitous fucked up comments from the band’s misogynist fans) and then it kind of just stopped. The band in question here broke up because of the accusations, but that doesn’t mean the conversation should end. Please, please don’t let the conversation end.
It’s really fucked up to think about how many women I know who can’t go to certain shows because they feel unsafe around certain men – myself included, at more than one point in my life. I called out the kid who raped me in 1996 and received death threats for years afterward because the kid was some popular punk/hardcore kid who roadied for toughguy bands. Nobody believed me because I was clearly just trying to get attention. I was told I couldn’t go to shows because I would be “jumped.” The fucked up thing is that I really did stop going certain shows out of fear for my physical safety. Also, the conversation just stopped one day. I’m sure it happened again, I couldn’t imagine this guy living the rest of his life without hurting another woman after what he did to me.
Call it like you see it, and call the women around you to back you up. And don’t forget that emotional abuse is still abuse. When you see a dude belittle a woman, SAY SOMETHING.
Please don’t stop talking about this because it’s not going to stop if we sweep it under the rug.
Thank you for writing about this. I’m long past my club-going days, but there have been many times I’ve left a show because I didn’t feel safe.
Thank you for writing this. I’ve written recently about sexual assault and scene/show safety, but since the shows I go to feel so female-dominated in both the audience and onstage, I’m fortunate enough to have never felt seriously scared at any of those events. I’m nauseated at the idea of any young woman being so concerned for her safety that she ends up not going to the show at all.
What can we do about this? For serious — how do we get more people to talk about this? How do we make ourselves feel safer? And maybe most critically — how do we open up a dialogue if we’re in a situation where there aren’t musicians (male or female) who are willing to either talk or sing about this? And what can we, as feminist music bloggers, do about it?
Echoing a “thank you for writing this”. This is one of those things that never goes away. I feel like I’ve been having this conversation over and over again for fifteen years and nothing ever comes of it. I’m glad you are tackling it so fiercely. <3